Comparing Myself to Others – A Toxic ED symptom
For many years I found it hard to admit or speak about the competitive feelings I experienced around my eating disorder. But I now know it is a common symptom that presents in those eating disorders that are fuelled by a marked fixation over body shape, size, and weight where there is a drive to be smaller.
I was always comparing myself to others in terms of my physique, desperately wanting to be the thinnest one in the room. In the outside world this was more achievable, but when I was exposed to other patients within the eating disorder service, these feeling intensified to the point I felt a complete fraud and failure in comparison. I longed for my eating disorder to be more severe. I needed to be thinner and more unwell not only to become a better anorexic, but most importantly to warrant my receipt of treatment.
How was I deserving of recovery and treatment when I wasn’t as unwell compared to the emaciated individuals sitting across from me in the waiting room? In my logical mind I knew I needed help and was struggling to function, but the toxic nature of my eating disorder told me that I needed to get sicker before I turned things around.
I have seen these feelings in many others, particularly those in the earlier stages of anorexia nervosa and bulimia, where the individual will likely be experiencing an initial ‘buzz’ alongside other positives from their eating disorder, providing less incentive to let their ED go.
I have wasted so many years on this disease, and it was all for nothing, long-term. At one point I wanted and felt I needed to be the most unwell and ‘best’ at having an eating disorder, particularly where weight was concerned. But I was never going to be the best or thinnest, because the so called ‘best’ anorexics are sadly no longer with us, and it breaks my heart. Realistically my goal was unachievable, unless I wanted to accept the same fate.
See eating disorders for what they are, because learning to hate mine and accepting it was not me, but a twisted demonic disease, kept me motivated to continue the fight and build a life for myself.
Now, on the occasions it niggles and tries to tempt me back, I think about my quality of life before I reached a recovery, and remind myself of one crucial fact…
I am far more powerful than any eating disorder. I always was!
Please see video above for more about how my eating disorder made me compare myself to those around me, particularly others with eating disorders, and how I managed to break that cycle.
