How my Eating Disorder Helped me Cope
Another role of my eating disorder that developed soon after I had adopted ‘IT’ for the simple purpose of reducing my weight was how it became my primary coping mechanism.
It didn’t take long before I reached for my eating disorder to manage difficult feelings and emotions, as well as simple daily stresses, so it quickly became my crutch and support to help me navigate life. It was like a ‘friend’ that was there to protect me and keep me afloat, but in reality it was doing the very opposite.
As my ED progressed and the ‘honeymoon’ phase passed, my anorexia and bulimia became the largest source of stress and anxiety I had ever experienced in my life. Ironically, this pushed me closer towards it, as I was reaching for ‘IT’ as my primary coping mechanism. I now see this was its sadistic motive all along, and I kick myself to think it took me so long to see the brutal truth.
In a nutshell, my ED lured me in under false pretences before making my world a living hell, where I lived in a constant state of overwhelming distress and anxiety – which is exactly what every eating disorder does and wants, regardless of stage, physical presentation (weight), or diagnosis.
It turns out the one thing that I felt saved my life by gifting me social acceptance was the very thing that turned against me and fuelled my symptoms with the intention of taking everything from me and forcing me to play Russian roulette with my life.
For years, my eating disorder convinced me that I needed it to survive, that without it I wouldn’t cope, function, or even exist. It made me believe it was my safety net, when in truth my eating disorder was the trapdoor beneath my feet. Every time I fell, it promised to catch me, yet it was the very thing pushing me down.
My eating disorder trained my mind to depend on it, rewiring my thoughts until reaching for it became as automatic as breathing. It positioned itself as a fictitious solution to every one of my problems, while secretly being the cause of most of them, if not them all.
My eating disorder wanted centre stage in my life, demanding my attention, my time, my energy, my body, and my soul. My eating disorder wanted to erase me so that only it remained. But it failed.
The truth is, my eating disorder was never my strength – it was my prison. And the moment I stopped believing its lies was the moment the bars began to break and I saw it for the vindictive piece of vermin it really is, which has helped me let ‘IT’ go once and for all.
Now that I have that freedom, I will spend the rest of my life making sure my eating disorder never, ever takes control of me again. I will do anything I can to help others reach this same place, because living free from the ball and chain of an eating disorder is one of the most empowering and rewarding things I have ever done.
Everyone deserves to know what it feels like to finally be free.
Please refer to the video at the top of this post to find out more about how I used my eating disorder to cope with life, and how I finally realised that ‘IT’ became the primary cause of my distress that ironically forced me closer towards it.
