Perfection – Why did it Hold me Back from Letting Go?
Many would think that I held onto my eating disorder because I wanted the perfect figure, or to maintain a certain weight. But it was far more complex than that.
I now understand that I was subconsciously using my eating disorder and mental health struggles as a personal ‘free pass’ to excuse and forgive myself for my mistakes and imperfections. It also acted as a feasible explanation as to why I was behind in life compared to others my age.
When I did something wrong or felt I had underachieved, I was able to soften the anger and frustration that I directed towards myself and challenge the guilt and disappointment by reminding myself that I was doing well in life, considering I was battling an all-consuming eating disorder.
Due to my obsession with schoolwork in my teens and my personal need to achieve top grades, my teachers and peers expected me to go into a so-called ‘successful’, high-achieving career that would earn good money. The pressure I felt and placed on myself was overbearing, so when I had to leave my job in finance because of my mental decline and eating disorder, I told myself I was a total loser and failure in life.
Back in the early 2000s, mental health carried more of a stigma than it does today, especially when a person was admitted into a psychiatric hospital for treatment. My assumptions about the thoughts and judgements of others, knowing I was deemed ‘mental’, only heightened my negative view of myself and pushed me further down the debilitating spiral.
When I started to look for employment, I was repeatedly unsuccessful due to my mental health history, but one day a very kind and generous man took a punt on me, finally giving me the chance I desperately needed to boost my self-belief and build a life for myself.
Despite my achievement in securing a job, it was not the kind of job that was expected of me when I left school. I had moved away from the professional office career and started a position as a trainee electronics assembler for a company that manufactured electronic field-measuring equipment.
I enjoyed learning how to solder, build the systems, and test the finished products. I loved the work because it brought out my creative side and gave me something physical to be proud of, very much like jewellery making and crafts. But despite my love of the job, I felt I had let myself down because it was a far cry from the finance career I had originally entered, and that my family and teachers had been proud of.
The negative feelings I associated with my manual electronic assembly role applied only to me and were very different from how I saw the same job for my colleagues. I looked up to them and aspired to develop my soldering skills to be as successful as they were. But for me it wasn’t enough, even though I was happier in this position compared to my previous finance role.
For me, my struggle with an eating disorder and bipolar II gave me a personal exemption from being what I thought I should be and from having the academic career everyone expected. In life, I was behind my peers and my brother because anorexia and bulimia had interrupted my life and career, where I’d had to spend significant periods of time off work. I was a failure as a result.
I cannot believe I spent so many years silently convinced that if I were to lose my eating disorder I would have to be perfect in every way, with no wiggle room for mistakes. I also feared that others would expect so much more from me if I were to recover, which left me terrified I would be a disappointment if I did not deliver.
What I’ve Finally Come to Realise
Reality is, not one person on this earth is perfect at everything they do, because we all make mistakes. Messing up helps us learn and is what makes us human. I just wish my eating disorder hadn’t made me feel I needed it to excuse my imperfections and failings, and that I had not forced such high expectations on myself. I never needed to justify my life choices to anyone, and I didn’t need to be something I was not.
I have now seen and accepted that being successful is not about what job I have or being perfect at everything I do, but more about my values as a person. Aspiring to be a genuine, kind, caring, and respectful human being is what makes me affluent, not material things or status.
It turns out that I was holding onto my eating disorder to forgive myself for the mistakes and underachievements in my life. But keeping it by my side was the BIGGEST mistake I have ever made — and one I will NEVER make again!
