Feeling Labelled and Trapped in a Box
I have often heard people with eating disorders and mental health diagnoses speak about feelings of being labelled and put in a “box.” I can certainly relate to this, because sadly it was this label that my eating disorder latched onto as a method of drip-feeding my subconscious mind yet another reason for me to keep it by my side, and subsequently increase my reluctance to put my ED in the past.
Not only did I see myself primarily as an eating disorder and dysfunctional human being (considering my bipolar II diagnosis), but I was well aware that those around me regarded me the same way. My observations were based on certain comments and behaviours I picked up on whilst in their presence. It could be an indirect remark alluding to me wasting food and money, or a look of concern or suspicion when I came back from the bathroom during or after a meal.
To me, I had been put in a box and forced into a role from which I could not deviate. After all, if others saw me that way, what the hell was the point in fighting to be any different? My eating disorder loved this because it was able to use these thoughts and insecurities to its advantage, particularly during times when I was struggling to fight urges to make myself sick or engage in other destructive behaviours.
It was the perception of others that proved a massive hurdle in my quest to remove the anorexic/bulimic label slapped across my forehead. Deep inside, I wanted to detach myself from the disease, but my eating disorder forever reminded me of my “label,” telling me that anorexia and bulimia were what was forever expected of me, and that I would always need to fit that mould.
Summary
Labels can feel powerful, but they only hold the authority we allow them to have. Lucky for me, I eventually realised that I did not need to limit myself to the box people placed me in. In reality, I was a person inside the box, capable of stepping out whenever I had the strength and clarity to do so.
My eating disorder tried to define me and assume my identity, but in the end I put anorexia and bulimia in their place, and I will not allow an eating disorder the power to decide who or what I am, for another day of my life.
Please refer to the video above to learn more about by challenge over the stigma and label I felt I had slapped across my forehead.
