How on Earth did I End up With Another Human’s Poop in my Hand?
As my purging anorexia and bulimia progressed, I found it easier to induce vomiting, so that I merely had to lean forward and manipulate my muscles with very little effort. To some, this may sound like the perfect solution to control your weight and shape whilst having the freedom to eat whatever — and however much — food you want. Once upon a time I thought the same, but it didn’t take long for me to realise I was being sucked into a vortex that was impossible to escape, and I would have done anything to turn things around.
I longed for my self-induced vomiting to become difficult and painful again, so I wouldn’t feel compelled to do it as much, combined with it giving me extra motivation to stop. Instead, it became a habit and instinct that took over my life — one I desperately wished I could undo.
Having the ability to effortlessly make myself sick led me down a separate path of disturbing events and behaviours that, like all the others, have haunted me for years. One of my most shocking and unexpected experiences caught me completely off guard and immediately destroyed any ounce of self-worth and dignity I had left.
It didn’t matter whether I was deep in an anorexic or bulimic phase when I was experiencing purging symptoms, because every purge would leave me feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and panic, fearing there might be food left inside my stomach that could prevent weight loss or, much worse, cause my weight to increase. I would torture myself, frantically seeking reassurance that I had vomited everything I had eaten, which forced me to turn to anything I could to confirm my purge had been successful.
One of the perceived positives of vomiting into plastic bags and Tupperware boxes was my ability to physically see the quantity and type of food I had regurgitated. Although this method was stressful, degrading, and brought its own challenges, it gave me some reassurance and relief in this regard. In contrast, the times I purged into toilets left me feeling ignorant and paranoid, because the pan would maintain its usual fill level as the excess water and vomit were siphoned off at the U-bend, as it was designed to do. I was unable to visually assess the result of my efforts, and I could not handle it.
At those times, I felt I had no option but to physically put my hand down the toilet to feel the vomit, sifting through it in the hope that the volume of food matter felt somewhat equivalent to what I had consumed. It was undignified, to say the least, but what made it a thousand times worse was the day I lifted dense matter out of the toilet to find it was not something I had vomited, but excrement that had been deposited prior to my purge — something I had not been aware was in the pan. The smell was vile, but the realisation that another human’s faeces was sitting in my hand was soul-destroying and once again confirmed, in my mind, that I was ‘wrong’ as a person on every level.
Once I had gotten over the initial shock of what I had done, I spent the next hour frantically scrubbing and bleaching my hand until it was red raw. Not only did this help me disinfect my hand of bacteria and residue, but the pain and stinging sensation distracted me from the overwhelming shame and humiliation that were crushing me internally.
I never told a soul and vowed I never would, but part of my healing and continued recovery has been seeing and exposing my eating disorder for what it truly is, and raising awareness of the warped and vicious nature of both my anorexia and bulimia.
Not every person with an eating disorder diagnosis like mine will have engaged in the same degrading and destructive behaviours, but hopefully sharing my secrets will raise awareness of just how powerful and malicious eating disorders are, and exactly the depths they can drive a person to mentally.
I can now smile knowing I have won the war and am getting my own back by speaking the truth about my demonic ED. And I revel in the fact that I am having the last laugh, because I will NEVER let ‘IT’ degrade me again.
Please refer to video above for more details about what I found in the toilet when I was sifting through the pan, and how bad it really made me feel.
