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Why Cut Raw Meat With Scissors?
Prior to my first purging encounter and at the start of my eating disorder, I had no idea that one day it would become so powerful that there would be times I’d find it impossible to wait for food to fully cook before erratically shovelling it into my mouth like a ravenous hunting animal that hadn’t eaten for weeks. It was nothing short of undignified chaos that drove me to despair. But once again, I had no self-control or emotional strength to stop myself.
It didn’t matter if I had access to other types of food, because during the times my body craved protein, nothing else came close. In my rational mind, the thought of eating raw meat repulsed me, and my days spent studying food hygiene in home economics classes had taught me that it could easily lead to serious food poisoning. But that wasn’t enough to stop me from consuming half-cooked chicken straight from the pan and sausages that were still pink and cold in the centre.
Regrettably, my cravings and symptoms escalated as I fell deeper into my eating disorder behaviours and my physical and mental health declined. It was not out of choice that it became common for me to eat raw chicken breast and turkey mince directly from the fridge. The cold, slimy, unpleasant texture felt vulgar as it slid down my oesophagus and into my stomach.
Sometimes I would crave only red meat, so I’d tuck into a pack of bacon or devour several raw lamb steaks to satisfy my urges. I had to violently bite and rip at the flesh with my teeth due to its sinewy texture, but it was often futile because it was far too tough and stringy. I was therefore left with no option but to become creative in my approach, so I started cutting it into bite-sized pieces with scissors when my patience wore thin.
The absence of logic is what led me to stoop to such levels, and that is what disturbed me the most. I despised myself, but this only forced me deeper into the purge–starve cycle as I relinquished myself to the eating disorder, convinced I was defective as a person and always would be.
Well, it turns out I wasn’t. Yet again, the physiological effects of starvation, combined with my compromised mental state from the relentless symptoms of my ED, were allowing it to dictate my actions to serve its motives.
Like all the other distressing behaviours I engaged in, I have been able to put them behind me, move forwards, and forgive myself for every action. My eating disorder drove me to a dark place and wouldn’t cut me loose, forcing me to fall deeper into ‘IT’.
Following treatment and finally believing in myself enabled me to build the mental resilience to take control of my life and ditch it once and for all.
It was hard, and it fought back, but I refused to listen to its lies and came out the other side. I am now living my best life, and I wouldn’t change it for the world!
The disturbing behaviours my eating disorder forced upon me, left me feeling I was ‘nothing,’ to lure me down it’s path. But if YOU let ‘IT’ go, you can find out who YOU really are.
