A Little About Me
Having spent many years battling a chaotic cycle of eating disorders, I have recently reached a place in recovery that I only ever dreamed of. This sudden change occurred after I lost my mum to cancer, which opened my eyes to the simple reality that life is short and I need to make the most of every minute, combined with the desperate want to be there for my family.
My dysfunctional relationship with food first started at the age of five when I began emotionally eating to cope with difficult life events.
I became overweight soon after and spent my childhood years being ostracised and ridiculed by my peers, which resulted in me taking a sudden, desperate U-turn to purging anorexia at the age of 12. Unfortunately, eating disorders weren't recognised in children back in 1995, so when my mum took me to the GP at 13 we were sent away with a prescription for antidepressants, no diagnosis, and no treatment.
The guilt from my parents blaming themselves and them buying me a puppy as leverage, forced me to stabilise my weight and hold my own for the following eight years. But, unknown to them I continued with my eating disorder behaviours and brushed off weight fluctuations as 'exam stress'.
Shortly after I left school to start full-time employment, my eating disorder (ED) escalated to the extreme. By this time it was ingrained and had become part of me.
Over the past three decades I have spent the majority of my life focussing on food, weight, and shape. I have also engaged in some of the most degrading and dangerous eating disorder behaviours, which contributed to multiple admissions into general hospitals, psychiatric wards, and specialist eating disorder units during my 20s. But despite these being necessary, inpatient treatment turned out to be one of the worst things ever to happen to me.
My relentless battle with food left me close to giving up on life on many occasions, but there was always something inside me that was fighting for a 'normal' life. I eventually succeeded and made a life for myself full of the things I had once told myself I would never have. However, this 'life' I built around my eating disorder, and it remained the sole focus and epicentre of my world.
The doctors wrote me off years ago in terms of me reaching a recovery from my ED, so I gave up on myself. I had made peace knowing it would eventually catch up with me. But, I now realise I never should have, because you never know when something may happen in life that will change everything, and you finally reach a place where you're ready to let 'it' go.
When I look back over the years I spent living in the grips of my eating disorder, I ask myself truthfully…
- Any regrets? TOO MANY
- Was it worth it? NO
- Do you wish you’d let go sooner? ABSOLUTELY! (one of my biggest regrets)
My answers to the above would previously have sent me into a cycle of self-berating hatred and guilt that would've pushed me deeper into my eating disorder. But, just over a year ago I made the conscious decision to live the rest of my life a glass half 'FULL', where I look for the positive in every situation.
I no longer focus on the missed opportunities and regrets, but am living life to the full, making up for lost time, and enjoying every minute!
And one thing I now know for sure, is that life is so much better on this side…I promise! 😉
