Why was the phrase “You look well” so difficult
Time and again, I have seen individuals that have had or are living with an eating disorder report that hearing the phrase “you look well” during treatment and recovery can be extremely distressing, often triggering negative thoughts and emotions. This can be particularly challenging when weight restoration is a necessary part of this process.
I experienced the internal struggle of hearing this comment on many occasions, especially after my discharge from an out-of-county eating disorder unit, because when I returned home, I had not seen anyone in my hometown since my admission some months earlier. I therefore appeared very different from how people remembered me, which caused me considerable distress and left me feeling embarrassed and self-conscious about my appearance.
My eating disorder quickly latched onto this, using it as a way to pull me back into its grip. It fuelled thoughts that I was a failure and “weak” for complying with treatment and nourishing my body. In reality, giving my body the nutrition it needed was vital for my physical health, my brain’s ability to function, and my capacity to think clearly and rationally. But my eating disorder fought back hard, feeding me lies in the hope I would run back to ‘IT’.
In truth, life was extremely difficult when I was controlled by my eating disorder, losing weight and submitting to the toxic diseases’ relentless urges and demands. Yet during treatment, as I restored weight and resisted everything my eating disorder was telling me to do, I may have appeared healthier to those on the outside, but internally I was severely distressed.
In many ways, I presented more mentally fragile during the treatment/recovery phase because I was living in a constant state of anxiety and turmoil. I had been stripped of my main coping mechanism during one of the most stressful times of my life, and I desperately longed for it as a way to cope with the distress of my changing body as I gained weight, as well as the issues I was confronting head-on in therapy.
In a nutshell, whenever I was told “you look well” I instantly felt the following two things:
- “I am ‘fat’ and have gained too much weight”
- “Everyone thinks I am now fine but I’m struggling to cope and fight the urges to go back.” I was in the most extreme mental battle of my life where in reality I was extremely vulnerable, and at risk of relapse.
The true meaning and intention behind the phrase “You look Well”
Since reaching a recovery, I think about the phrase “you look well” and question what it really means and why people say it to one another.
It’s a strange comment when you really think about it and is often said after someone has been unwell. I have also noticed people using the phrase instinctively, as a way of greeting an acquaintance or as a different way of saying that a person looks nice in the context of what they are wearing or their makeup and hair style. Looking back, I can see that it was likely intended as a compliment.
Unfortunately, my eating disorder twisted the phrase from a kind compliment to judgement and criticism. I was convinced it meant I had gained too much weight and people thought I was cured, but this was my eating disorder reshaping the context to fit its own narrative in a desperate attempt to lure me back.
Another Consideration
Over the past two years with my involvement in supporting local mental health and eating disorder services, I have learned that there is an intense fear of professionals and those supporting a loved one with an eating disorder to say the wrong thing and cause upset and harm to the individual.
Through this fear and the person’s lack of understanding of the complexity and experience of living with a destructive, toxic eating disorder, there can be a sense of panic when interacting with patients and loved ones. They often don’t know what to say, so ‘you look well’ can be a go-to positively intended remark to recognise progress and help motivate, or merely out of panic as a positive greeting.
Alternative Response – What I wish I’d done differently
Now in recovery, I realise how detrimental hearing the words “you look well” were and how my eating disorder clung to my distorted interpretation of the phrase, intensifying the difficult feelings and emotions that came along with it. This posed a significant risk to my treatment progress and made me vulnerable to relapse.
If only I had been able to think logically I may have had the ability to deal with the situation differently, and…
- Understood that my eating disorder was increasing/driving my negative perception of being told “you look well”
- See that people meant it as a compliment and a way to acknowledge my hard work
- Known that my family and friends knew I was not magically cured of my eating disorder and I still had a long way to go
- Accepted that it didn’t matter what others thought and I needed to concentrate on myself and my recovery
- Had the strength to tell the person who made the comment exactly what that phrase meant to me, and how it made me feel
- Had awareness that friends, family, and even medical professionals felt nervous about what to say to me and were not aware of the implications of comments like ” you look well” that were often said instinctively without much thought or meaning behind it
- Realised that communicating my distress through my physical appearance was futile and there were far more effective ways to let others know how I was feeling inside
