Eating raw liver…what was I thinking?
Eating Raw Offal – What was I thinking?
During COVID, I reached one of the lowest points of my entire eating disorder journey, where I went through a phase of eating and purging raw offal — more specifically, liver. Vile, I know!
Never in this world did I imagine I would ever do such a thing, because the idea would never have entered my head considering the vile grotesqueness of the process. It was not something I could ever comprehend a human being doing, let alone myself.
At the time, I remember it being somewhat satisfying, fulfilling some warped craving I had for iron in its most concentrated form. I was likely anaemic and subconsciously yearning for iron, which would also explain why I couldn’t wait for it to cook. I was also in a state of starvation, so I was ravenous and my body was desperate for the nutrition it needed to function.
I remember chaotically binging it straight from the fridge, shoving it into my mouth as fast as I could, where blood would sometimes run down my chin. It was cold and wobbly in texture, with a strong metallic taste. Sometimes there would be a chewy, sinewy bit, which I came to learn was where the tubes and blood vessels entered the organ. I had to spit it out or swallow it whole — the latter my preferred option.
I despised myself for eating it, but I was compelled and had no control because my urges were so powerful they exceeded any rationale or mental strength I had to stop myself. I was possessed.
Vomiting it up was just as vile, if not more so. I panicked each time, knowing I had to get rid of it all, fearing I could get serious food poisoning from the bacteria present in uncooked organs. The toilet pan looked like a crime scene full of blood and flesh, splattered up the sides with the odd drip on the toilet seat from splash-back as it hit the water.
The regret was overwhelming, but part of me needed to feel as horrible as I felt on the inside. It was like some symbolic act driven by my evil eating disorder, where it was escalating my negative perception of myself to catastrophic proportions. My brain was tricking me because it was starving, and I could not think straight or resist the cravings for the most vulgar forms of nutrition.
I internally tortured myself for my actions, which manifested in the physical escalation of my purging as a form of punishment that I now see was not necessary, because it was the response and feelings fabricated by my eating disorder as it forced me down a path of self-destruction.
What I have Learned and Accepted
Since reaching recovery and feeding my brain the nutrition it needed to see things as they really are, combined with learning about the physiological effects of starvation and semi-starvation (via the Minnesota Study), I now have a clear understanding of my actions.
The human body is an extremely clever vessel and can recognise deficiencies in the nutrients and minerals it needs to function properly, which triggers powerful signals to the brain. I can see how my low iron levels and state of starvation resulted in my warped cravings for raw offal and my inability to overpower my urges.
Like all of my other disturbing ED behaviours, I persecuted myself for many years, dealing with the shame and humiliation alone. But realising it was likely physiological, and accepting I was not thinking rationally because my eating disorder had taken over my body and soul, has allowed me to put it to rest and move on once and for all. And I now laugh in the face of my ED, knowing it will never have the power to force me to eat raw offal ever again!
My eating disorder took over my mind, body and soul turning me into someone else. It was NOT me…
LET go of the shame, and LET yourself live!
Please refer to video above for a personal account of my experience of being driven to eat raw liver, and how it makes me feel today.
