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Eating Disorders are Evil Predators
I count myself lucky that I have finally been able to see my eating disorder for the vindictive, evil, predator it is, and I am certain this has been a key factor in my continued fight over the years, that has allowed me to get to this day where I am living my best life in a place of recovery.
I first turned to purging and anorexia nervosa during a time when I was a young, vulnerable, and felt completely hopeless and defeated in life, particularly with regards to my excessive weight and subsequent social rejection. I desperately wanted to be accepted by my peers, but all the dieting and pep-talks from GPs and school nurses throughout primary school had proved unsuccessful, and if anything, only escalated my emotional eating.
It wasn’t long after my 12th birthday that I was introduced to both anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa via a storyline covered in a popular Aussie soap opera that was aired at 5pm every weekday. I never knew eating disorders existed prior to this, or that it was even possible for a person to make themselves sick. I had a lightbulb moment which was the very start of my eating disorders’ attempt to groom me, where it offered the perfect solution to change my life for the better. And unfortunately, I grabbed it with both hands.
When I look back at that very first attempt to make myself sick to change my physical appearance, I clearly remember feeling scared and nervous. Not surprisingly, the eating disorder was right there beside me, cheering me on, preying on my self-disgust, hate, and desperation that came with being an overweight kid. I persisted until I got the job done, because the ED cunningly tricked me into believing ‘IT’ was my answer, and my last resort. Little did I know that turning to an eating disorder as a temporary stopgap, would spiral into a living nightmare.
As an impressionable 12-year-old, my eating disorder groomed and lured me in with offerings of false hope and promises, convincing me it was my only chance of a better quality of life and guaranteed social acceptance. Naively I took its hand, believing I could stop at any time and that it was there to help me as a temporary measure only. Little did I know that this was complete lies, and that the eating disorder had a far more sinister motive and plan.
The positives I received from turning to purging and anorexia nervosa as a means to manipulate my weight and shape, proved to be very short-lived, because my eating disorder soon showed its true colours where it took complete control over my life, sinking it’s claws into my being and attacking my self-worth and self-esteem as it turned me into a person I no longer recognised. Unfortunately, my ED used these insecurities against me where it intensified and exaggerated them in my mind, so it could capitalize and use these vulnerabilities to its advantage.
The powerful, vindictive side of my eating disorder left me feeling a loyalty towards it, because it told me ‘IT’ had saved me, and it was my friend. I was not allowed to tell anyone about us and what I was doing to control my weight because it was between me and my eating disorder only, and it was our secret. The evil disease also told me that no-one else would understand, and that they may intervene and try to separate us if they found out, so we had to be careful.
In truth my eating disorder hadn’t saved me at all and would become the biggest threat to my mental, physical and emotional health, from that point onwards, and little did I know it would continue on for decades. My ED was nothing short of a vindictive, manipulative force, fixated on taking my life, and not just in a literal sense.
During my 20s when my purging anorexia came into my life with a vengeance, I finally received treatment for my eating disorder where I had to fight the behaviours and symptoms head on. I quickly learned that my ED would fight back screaming louder than ever, as it desperately tried to keep control. It was relentless, toxic, and sadistic, using anything it could to keep a hold and pull me back.
I clearly recall there being a certain point in every treatment and recovery attempt from my purging anorexia nervosa, where I would hit a suicidal block. Coincidentally, this occurred when I reached a certain weight, which I now believe was a ‘sacred’ point in my physical restoration where my brain was functioning better and my ED knew it was losing its hold on me as I became stronger each day. My feeling suicidal was my EDs one last sadistic attempt to lure me back before it lost significant control over me. In addition to the depression, my eating disorder was feeding me thoughts that I needed it in my life and that I would be ‘nothing’ without it.
The sick and twisted disease used this emotional despair as a form of torture; to try to lure me back the moment it felt it was losing its grip on me. But with support and determination, I was able to ride the hellish wave and come out the other side, even if it proved only temporary. But
Eating disorders are clever and deceptive. Mine wanted to be the one and only priority in my life, and it thrived off of my attachment, commitment, and addiction to ‘It’. As a result, the vile disease took me down a path that I can never take back, and one I will always regret.
Hating my eating disorder has played a massive part in my continued fight for recovery, because I now see that it was never the ally that convinced me it had my best interests at heart. In truth, it was a manipulative invader that was determined to take me down, whatever the cost.
Thank goodness I eventually woke up and saw the truth, because I will NEVER let ‘IT’ trick me or take me down again!
