How did an Eating Disorder make me Special?
I first became aware of eating disorders at age 12, when I watched an episode of a popular Australian soap opera at 5pm in the afternoon. The storyline focused on a teenager who began making themselves sick to manipulate their weight and shape.
Prior to this, I had zero knowledge that eating disorders existed or that it was possible for a person to physically induce vomiting, let alone as an aid to control their physical appearance. I became unhealthily curious, latching onto the idea as a desperate, last-resort solution to my weight concerns. Unbeknown to me, it would soon become the worst thing I ever did.
In addition to the physical changes to the character’s size and shape, the kindness, concern, and care they received from those around them gave the disorder extra appeal, knowing I could quite possibly be successful at something where I would be ‘special’, unique, and receive positive attention for a change. Naively, I saw far more upsides than downsides to turning to self-induced vomiting and starvation to manipulate the scales. And out of desperation, and whilst looking through rose-tinted glasses, I decided to give it a go.
Unfortunately, the storyline was short-lived, and like most topics covered in TV shows, there was not enough time to expose the torturous reality and warped depths of the disease. If only I had known what starvation and purging could turn into, and how it would impact my life, it may have triggered me to think twice before going down this path and sticking my fingers down my throat that very first time.
It is for this reason that I have decided to create Munch and Mend, where I have committed to bearing my soul and exposing the truth about my eating disorder and the places it took me. I know it is at the expense of my privacy, but giving others the ‘heads up’ and sharing the toxic reality of these diseases to help others, and to allow them to see they are not alone, far exceeds any negative judgements or criticisms that will be fired in my direction.
In the beginning, the self-control I felt, combined with the change in my body shape and size, left me on a euphoric ‘high’ with an addictive drive that made me feel unstoppable. The positive comments I received from those around me increased my motivation, but these later turned to words of concern as my symptoms continued and people became worried. I didn’t want them to be, but in some strange way my eating disorder latched onto that as it sucked me deeper, where I subconsciously liked the unwell, vulnerable role because it made me ‘special’.
In direct contrast to these subconscious, positive feelings, the manipulative nature of my eating disorder meant I outwardly rejected the love, care, and support I was shown, convincing myself (and others) that I was okay. The anorexia and bulimia forced conflict in my mind because they didn’t want me to accept help and let them go. They were a leech feeding off my soul and needed my commitment and loyalty to stay alive.
Now in recovery and seeing it for what it is, I realise my eating disorder did not make me ‘special’ at all. For one, there are sadly millions of other people struggling with eating disorders, and I was one of many. And I now see that my eating disorder meant everything to me, and me only.
Yes, those close to me thought about it a lot and likely saw me that way, but only because they were directly affected by it, and not for anything good.
The strangers I came across pitied or judged me and never thought about me again, and others with eating disorders were so focused on themselves and their own eating that fellow sufferers were merely ‘competition’ and ‘rivals’, which is sadly a poisonous symptom of these diseases.
I never believed or accepted it for many years (because the eating disorder wouldn’t let me), but I am, and YOU are, worth way more than any eating disorder diagnosis or label. There are many things that make us unique and special, and letting go of my eating disorder and the obsessive, addictive fixations around food, weight, and shape has enabled me to find better things to focus on that make me feel positive about myself.
My eating disorder was not what made me ‘special’ at all, but merely a number and a statistic that forced me to waste years of my life being manipulated and deceived, where I lived with a distorted perception of myself and the world. Thank God I kept fighting, and I urge others to please do the same. If you can let it go, I beg you to do it now. Don’t spend another day devoting your life to these destructive, demonic disorders that are set on taking you down.
You may not realise it now, but one day you can and one day you will. Please, NEVER lose hope or give up the fight, because it is NEVER too late. You are worth so much more than any ED diagnosis, and so was I.
My eating disorder never deserved a single moment of my time, energy, money, or loyalty, and it didn’t make me special or unique at all. The person behind the eating disorder was the special, unique one. And it is only since reaching recovery and letting ‘IT’ go that I have been able to see my true self and find out who I really am.
And, it turns out I’m not that bad after all.
