How I Learned that Striving for Perfection is a Futile Task
I have personally battled a chronic need to be perfect for as long as I can remember and have come to realise this is a common trait that I have seen present in many individuals struggling with an eating disorder.
Personally, accepting there is no such thing as perfect and lowering the harsh expectations I placed on myself has significantly contributed to my improved self-esteem, self-image, and my recovery from both anorexia and bulimia. It has positively transformed my quality of life to a place I never thought possible.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have insecurities and place expectations on myself, but who doesn’t? It was learning to challenge these thoughts (many of which were irrational) and adopt a healthier perspective that enabled me to dilute my obsession with body image and perfectionism so I could fill my mind with better things.
Constantly striving to be ‘perfect,’ I now realise was a battle that I was never going to win. Every day I told myself I was a failure because I did not measure up to the extremely high standards that I placed on myself. Not only were my expectations unachievable, but the goal posts would constantly change. And never in my favour.
A good example of these ever-changing goal posts was my pursuit of the ‘perfect’ body and appearance. This was particularly rife in my teenage years, when I was more impressionable and ignorant of the most important things in life.
I remember there always being a celebrity of the moment who would feature on the cover of every magazine. This would subconsciously reset my perception of the ‘ideal’ body and self-image. But that celebrity would soon become old news and be replaced by the next, forcing me to regularly revise my ‘perfect.’
I was spending my life pointlessly trying to work towards the ‘ideal’ physique that was portrayed within the media at that one moment. But what I failed to remind myself was that the images had also been airbrushed to erase every imperfection. I was subsequently chasing something that did not exist.
If I think logically, the perceived ‘ideal’ is different for every one of us. Some may be striving to be ‘thin,’ others may be fixated on reaching a toned, muscular physique, and there will be those who won’t really give a damn, accepting themselves for who they are without the constant torture of wanting to be something they are not. I now realise the latter is one of the most liberating and attractive traits in a person, and one I gravitate towards and admire.
It was not just my physical appearance where I strived for perfection, but I applied the same rigid expectations to other areas of my life as well. This included things like having to be the perfect student, achieve top grades, and secure a job that would make my family proud. But one of the most debilitating perfectionisms that I adopted was my need to be the nicest person possible so as not to give anyone a reason to dislike me.
I became the ultimate people pleaser, always putting others’ wants and needs ahead of my own. I could not bear the thought of anyone not liking me. But little did I know that this would be exhausting and hard to maintain long term, without significant impact on my mental health as I sacrificed my happiness in the attempt to be the perfect person.
It turns out that being a people pleaser and putting myself last didn’t always have the desired effect, because it was annoying and frustrating to others. Always responding ‘I don’t mind’ when asked what I wanted to do, combined with putting myself at the bottom of the pile, could be irritating to others. And now I have accepted that having a voice and standing up for myself doesn’t make me a bad person, and never will.
My improved confidence has gained me respect and boosted my self-worth, which appears to have proved more attractive to those around me. I can still be kind, caring, and likeable without sacrificing myself, metaphorically.
I can’t believe I spent so many years putting myself at the bottom of the pecking order because I feared being rejected if I put myself first. But when I finally did, I was shocked to learn that my improved self-confidence and assertiveness had the opposite effect. Those around me got to meet the real ‘me’ that my eating disorder masked and hid for many years.
What I Have Learned
One thing I now know is that there is no such thing as ‘perfect’ in any way, shape, or form. It is merely a fantasy that left me suffocating under overwhelming pressure, self-criticism, and the relentless feeling of being a failure. My eating disorder used this to its advantage so it could get a tighter grip over my life. Was it worth it, I now ask? NO!
It turns out that the perfect person I could ever be is my true, authentic self, and this applies to each and every one of us, even if you don’t believe it now. My eating disorder stripped me of any chance of this, and I thank my lucky stars that I finally unravelled the truth.
Please learn to like and love yourself for who you are and stop striving to be someone that you are not. You are you, and accepting this will help you see that this is the best person you can ever be and is one of the most liberating and ‘perfect’ things you will ever do!
