A person is less likely to recover from an eating disorder the longer they have been living with it
In many articles and publications about eating disorders, it is documented that the longer a person has been struggling with the illness, the lesser the chance of them reaching recovery.
Historically, this may have been the case. But did anyone stop to think that this published prognosis could be a part of what’s feeding this statistic and keeping some of us stuck?
It is only since reaching recovery that I’ve realised the above played a key part in my reluctance to fully commit to recovery and let ‘IT’ go. This reluctance was driven by the vindictive and callous side of my long-term eating disorder, where it used this known bleak outcome as a weapon against me.
For one, my eating disorder latched onto the above to dilute the small amount of hope I had left in reaching recovery and putting this all behind me. It also proved a toxic driving force behind my twisted, competitive ED, as it forced me to believe I would be a failure if I were to recover, because that was not supposed to happen and would mean my eating disorder wasn’t that bad after all.
Another devious and heinous trait of my eating disorder was when it used these same ideations to try and lure me back when I was in active treatment and successfully challenging the destructive ED behaviours. If I had one moment of weakness where I accidentally slipped up, I was left ruminating and berating myself instead of seeing it as a one-off, temporary lapse where I could get back on it straight away. Instead, I was left feeling defeated, which sent me into a ‘sod-it’ attitude that escalated my ED symptoms because I knew there was no hope of me ever reaching recovery. This black-and-white thinking was destructive but instinctive. I had never been able to see any grey in between — my eating disorder made sure of that!
Not only did the so-called facts of long-term ED recovery affect me directly, but I was fully aware this information was available to anyone who went looking for it, including those who worked in the medical profession. That would certainly explain why the doctors wrote me off many years ago in terms of me reaching recovery from my eating disorder.
Deep down, I wanted to get better and free myself, but what would others think when statistically I was supposed to have an eating disorder for the rest of my life? Without consciously knowing it, I told myself I could not deviate from my predicted prognosis because it is written in black and white and was what others expected of me.
It has taken me a long time to accept I do not have to be what others want or expect, and I do not have to follow a set of statistics. My eating disorder used anything and everything it could to dominate my mind and overwrite all the hope, belief, and want I had to get better. How did I let it force me into a place where I accepted I would have an eating disorder for the rest of my life, to the point I had made peace with this outcome?
Final Message
I have come to realise what once felt like I would be failing (if I went against the published eating disorder prognosis) was not failing at all, but quite the opposite. I would be taking back control and challenging the thoughts and feelings that my ED was capitalising on to keep me dependent.
Luckily, I saw the truth and was able to accept that my path did not need to be dictated by a set of published articles or books, and I am determined to be one of the people who helps change this statistic moving forwards. I just desperately want others to experience the same realisation, see their eating disorder for the vicious monster it is, and fight to join me in recovery.
Today I am free to live a life that is my own, and I’m eternally grateful that I eventually woke up to see that I am far more than any number or statistic.
And guess what? I always was!
