What Led me to Eat my Own Vomit
In order to feed my eating disorder and satisfy the overwhelming cravings to binge and purge, I had to have a continuous supply of food so it was available at any time, should I need it.
I hated binging and vomiting with a passion, particularly during episodes of purging anorexia, where being malnourished left me with no control over my ED behaviours and I had to get my ‘fix’ in any way I could.
During times when I had no access to food or was running low on supplies, I was forced to lower my standards, at the expense of my dignity, to feed my urges. The first time it happened was when I was an inpatient in a general psychiatric ward with no access to food outside of mealtimes.
After I had eaten, I went back to my room and headed straight for the sink, where I secured the plug. I then made myself sick into the bowl before scooping the vomit into my hands and into my mouth to consume it a second time. I vomited it up once again and then repeated the cycle over and over.
I had zero self-control and self-worth. The severe guilt and shame from my actions pulled me deeper into the cycle. I was disgusted with myself and knew I was fundamentally ‘wrong’ as a person. I had hit a new all-time low from which I believed I could never redeem myself.
The Reasons Behind my Actions
Truthfully, it was my body’s extreme reaction to being malnourished, combined with severe emotional distress, forcing me to reach for my ED in any way possible. The lack of nutrients and energy meant my brain didn’t have the fuel to function properly and make rational decisions. I was a slave to ‘it’, and I was trapped.
But… it was NOT my fault, because it was not ‘me’, and there is always a reason and cause for every human behaviour, however strange or debilitating. Accepting this fact has allowed me to detach myself from both the humiliation and self-persecution of my actions. And I thank my lucky stars that I have succeeded in recovery and will never eat my own vomit again!
Please see video above for my personal account of what led to this disturbing behaviour, and how I have come to rationalise, accept and bury it in my past.
