Eating and Purging Dog Food
When I was living with my parents and experiencing overwhelming binge–purge symptoms, I became desperate to stop my dysfunctional eating habits — but more specifically my excessive binging — so that I wouldn’t feel so nasty inside from what I perceived to be unhealthy foods. I also wanted to accelerate my weight loss through limited calorie intake by allowing myself to consume only (what I considered to be) ‘clean’, low-calorie foods, like salad and vegetables.
My lack of self-discipline and control drove me crazy and seriously compromised my mental health. I fell into a deep depression, fearing I would be that way forever; I couldn’t bear the thought.
In a desperate bid to try to stop my out-of-control binging and purging, I begged my parents to move all food into the kitchen cupboards and padlock the doors so I would have no access.
It worked for a while, but my cravings to binge were insufferable — so much so that I crept downstairs in the middle of the night, frantically searching every unlocked cupboard and drawer in the hope that something had been missed. But I was out of luck.
Out of sheer desperation, my dog’s wet food became my only option, so I opened a tin and ate the lot. In that moment it didn’t hit home what I was doing, and I didn’t care. I loved my dog more than anything and I was extremely protective of her, but it didn’t stop me stealing her food, which had been specially prescribed by the vet, to feed my addiction.
I induced vomiting shortly after, wasting the entire tin that would have lasted her at least three meals. Not only did I have to sit with the self-repulsion from what I had eaten, but the guilt ate me alive. How could I steal my innocent pup’s food, putting my senseless needs before her wellbeing?
To me, I was pure evil and needed to suffer for my self-centred, heartless actions. But this gave my ED yet another reason to drag me down, and I could not forgive myself.
As with every shocking food I binged on, I have made peace knowing the mental state I was in and how vulnerable I was to my eating disorder urges. I was erratic, I was fragile, and I was not in my right mind, allowing my purging anorexia to dominate my decisions.
Every day I remind myself that I would NEVER, in my rational mind, rob my little fur-ball of her dinners. I now accept it was not truly me doing this, and I use that understanding to fuel my hatred and defiance towards the disorder, keeping it in my memory bank to draw upon whenever it tries to lure me back.
But now that I know its tricks, it doesn’t stand a chance!
Please refer to video at the top of this post for further details on what led me to binge and purge on dog food, and how I was able to move past the shame and guilt.
