Isolation – Hiding Myself from the World
One of the most debilitating mental health symptoms that developed in tandem with my eating disorder was my tendency to retreat into a ‘bubble’, where I distanced myself from everyone and everything around me. I effectively cocooned myself in a world that only had room for myself and my eating disorder, which turned out to be a very dangerous move.
I had never really had much self-confidence and, as a result, found social events anxiety-provoking. But despite this, I had always pushed myself to go because I didn’t want to let others down and would often find that I enjoyed such occasions more than I had expected.
In the earlier stages of my eating disorder, I was living a fantasy where I felt alive and buzzing because I was in control and thought I could stop the ED behaviours at any time. I was kidding myself, living in denial because I wasn’t accepting the gravity of my situation, as I had no idea just how evil eating disorders were. Plus, no one knew I was struggling with an eating disorder, so they did not confront me or show concern, which may have helped me wake up and see the truth.
Whilst in the denial phase, I was functioning well and still interacting with others. If anything, I wanted people to see me so they could recognise and (hopefully) compliment the change in my physical appearance. But this didn’t last long.
Unfortunately, my desire to interact with people quickly subsided, and I started to keep my loved ones at arm’s length and avoided social events and family gatherings where I could. I did not see it at the time, but my retreat was a clear sign of my declining condition as my eating disorder pulled me closer, luring me down its heinous path.
Looking back and being honest with myself, there were many reasons that forced me to become a recluse, many of which I did not recognise until more recently. Identifying these reasons has helped me keep my ED at bay and contributed to my continued recovery:
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Time
As my eating disorder escalated, so too did the behaviours and obsessions that went along with it. My binge–purge cycles took over my life, and I spent much of my time engaging in, or gathering supplies to facilitate, my ED and satisfy the unbearable urges. If I wasn’t doing any of these, I was either exercising or attempting to dispose of the excessive amounts of food packaging or containers of vomit that I didn’t dare flush down the loo. My eating disorder claimed so much of my time that I had no reserves for anything else. I was subsequently forced to remove myself from society to prioritise my ED and adhere to its commands. I became a slave to it and missed out on life as a result.
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Shame & guilt
A primary driver for my isolating myself was the chronic fear of the people around me learning about my purging and the other undignified behaviours I was engaging in to facilitate my eating disorder. I felt I was ‘warped’ and ‘wrong’ as a human being and was terrified of being judged and labelled. My eating disorder had turned me into a person I never thought possible, including giving me the ability to blatantly lie to people’s faces when they confronted me with concerns over my eating disorder symptoms. The guilt I felt was overwhelming, because I had been brought up to be honest and always do the right thing. I would never deviate from these morals under any other circumstances, but I didn’t think twice when it came to defending my eating disorder. And I hated myself for it.
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Feeling a failure
My retreat into a bubble because I felt a failure was particularly rife when my purging anorexia and bulimia escalated in my 20s, when they seriously started to impact my ability to function. I had always been terrified of failing, which was obvious from my obsession with my schoolwork and exams. But the day I had to go on long-term sick leave and was admitted to a general psychiatric ward was the point at which I felt I had failed in life and hit an all-time low that I told myself I could never come back from. Not only did I feel like a loser, but back in 2003 there was more stigma attached to mental health, especially if hospitalisation was required. I was convinced I was seen as ‘crazy’ and had let everyone down, including myself. I found it hard to face people through embarrassment and shame, so it was easier to hide. And sadly, that is exactly what I did.
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Protect my loved ones
One of the most difficult parts of my eating disorder was the effect it had on those around me. I hated myself for worrying them, causing them stress, and being a burden. Because of this, I distanced myself in the hope it would protect them from the truth of how difficult I was finding life and the gravity of my ED behaviours. In reality, my family could see exactly what was going on, and me pushing them away caused them far more distress and worry than if I had been open, honest, and accepted their love and support.
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My ED used it to maintain control
My vindictive, toxic eating disorder forced me to pull back from everyone and live in a world of just IT and me. It was a possessive, narcissistic abuser that wanted me all to itself so it could pull me under. Its vindictive nature gradually wore me down, taking control bit by bit as I was sucked into its lies. The destructive eating disorder behaviours stole my dignity and self-worth, and stripped me of all logic, allowing it to pull me closer, until I was forced to hide from the world. I was left with my eating disorder, and only my eating disorder, because I had pushed everyone and everything else away. What I had initially regarded as my saviour and ally had become my abusive, controlling enemy — and a constant threat to my life.
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Protect myself
I wasn’t aware of it at the time, but I was blocking people out and living in isolation as a way to protect myself and keep myself ‘safe’ from the real world. It sounds ridiculous now, considering my eating disorder was anything but safe and posed the biggest risk to my life, but to me it was ‘safe’ in the sense that I could remain ignorant of all the bad going on and distance myself from the people who had the potential to hurt me. Retreating into a bubble also allowed me to hide my true self from those around me and the fears I had of being criticised and judged. I was convinced I was fundamentally wrong and warped as a person and couldn’t risk anyone seeing my true colours, where they would undoubtedly come to the same conclusion.
Distancing myself from people and spending my life dedicated to my eating disorder was a lonely, miserable existence that left me unable to function in society. It ruled my life and stripped me of self-worth, confidence, and the courage to face people. But that was its primary aim all along, and its poisonous tactics to keep hold of me and pull me under.
Fighting my eating disorder and mental health challenges over the years gave me the confidence and courage to put myself out there and build a life for myself. I know I initially built this life around bulimia and intermittent purging anorexia, but going against my eating disorder and allowing myself to have new relationships with friends, family, and colleagues after I secured permanent employment gave me solid reasons and motivation to hold on to this life and the strength to turn around any relapses before they went too far.
I was high-functioning but living a double life, where my eating disorder took priority. I spent every waking hour in a state of anxiety and fear as I tried to hide my eating disorder symptoms and behaviours from everyone around me. But despite this being a desperate, lonely existence, I am forever grateful that I built this double life and battled on, because I was around to experience that sudden shift in my mind where I finally accepted that I had to fully commit and let go of my eating disorder if I wanted to reach recovery.
I now see that letting people in, accepting their love and support, and being truly honest with myself gave me the added strength to face my eating disorder head-on and fight to put it in my past.
Today I count myself the luckiest person in the world, because I have the most amazing people around me who will forever remind me that life on this side is far better than living a life as a slave to any eating disorder. And it turns out it always was!
