Hating and Loathing Myself – Why and how did I get past it?
When I first turned to food as a way to manage my emotions, and later, as a pre-teen, used it as a method to change my physical appearance, I had a very negative opinion of myself. If I am honest, I hated who I was both on the inside and the outside, and my eating disorder helped me to cope with these feelings, gave me the punishment I felt I deserved, and acted as a local anaesthetic to my emotional distress.
Unfortunately, as my eating disorder progressed and I stopped gaining any overall benefits from the disease, it was the disorder itself that became one of the primary driving forces behind my self-hate and self-loathing. I came to detest myself more than I ever had before.
My warped and toxic eating disorder had turned against me, its manipulation and destructive force pushing me closer towards it, as I reached for ‘IT’ to cope and punish myself for being such a terrible person. My eating disorder took over my mind and pulled me further down its evil spiral, which was its vicious plan all along.
If only I had seen my eating disorder for what it truly was all those years ago, I might not have prioritised it above everything else in my life. I was devoted and loyal to ‘IT’ ahead of everything else in my world, as it convinced me I was nothing without it.
I never realised how complex and warped my eating disorder was until I finally let it go and reached recovery. Only then did I have the mental capacity and time to think, rather than spending every waking hour fantasising about food, chasing my next ‘fix’, and relentlessly obsessing over my weight and shape.
I grieve for that time I lost, but I am forever thankful that I eventually wised up to the truth and refused to allow my eating disorder to continue using my insecurities as a reason to hold me back. Today, I cannot believe how I feel about myself, having spent the majority of my life hating every inch of my body and every ounce of my soul. It never crossed my mind that I could ever stop hating and disliking myself until it actually happened, which is why I still struggle to accept that this is now my reality.
It turns out I was worth fighting for after all, and I always deserved a life outside the grips of anorexia and bulimia. In truth, it was the demonic eating disorder that kept me trapped and wouldn’t let me see myself in any way other than as a pathetic disappointment who should never have been born.
I have to pinch myself every day to confirm I am alive, because never in a million years did I think I would exist without detesting the person I am, both inside and out. And although it still feels a little alien to me, I am so grateful to have reached a point in my life and my recovery where I can honestly say that I like myself for the person I am.
I will always regret all those years I spent neglecting my health and causing my body harm, but I am eternally thankful that I have had the opportunity to try to put things right and that I am now able to value and care for myself both mentally and physically.
Since completing my final attempt at treatment and retaliating against my eating disorder with everything I had, I have worked hard to turn my eating disorder on its head and redirect the toxic hate and loathing away from myself, projecting it onto the one thing that deserves it most — my relentless, evil, sadistic eating disorder.
I now hate and despise my eating disorder with everything I have, and I have taken on this project to expose it for the malignant disease it really is, in the hope that it can help others in some way.
This is my chance to get my own back, and I revel in the fact that I will never let any eating disorder drive me to a place where I will hate and loathe myself ever again.
Please refer to the video at the top of this page to find out more about my feelings of self-hatred, self-loathing, and how I was able to challenge these thoughts to finally succeed at recovery.
